A Newbies First Story Using Nuke Doc's
Date: Sunday, August 24 @ 21:19:40 CEST
Topic: PHP-Nuke


Here are the problems, and the SUBJECT says it. As to 90 plus % of the features in phpNuke, and phpBB we have zilch, zots, or Keiner!

Knowing programmers, with rare exceptions, most hate to comment code (forget the old days when every byte counted to squeeze into memory limitations) or write documentation. Most of them think, that since they have steel-trap minds, are fluent in 15 languages, that YOU should able to understand "what they meant!"

Well, while this old bear could take you back to the first scribbling of philosophy and psychology, the rest of my mind is struggling along with the rest of this world.

I can build you a computer from the MUM board up, and match the hardware, but I do not program, nor do I work well without…INTRUCTIONS…IN DETAIL…IN DEPTH, AND LOGICAL, especially when it's NEW!

Let me take the manual Add Story first, which is not like Submit news for the user. The Add stories are for the admin! Oh the…XML auto-feed (I've not a clue)

A. Required Tools: A degree in HTML (or book) or card pop-up, a degree in PHP or phpMyAdmin installed on server. (More on this later)
B. Leech FTP or Ws FTP Pro; Dreamweaver MX, or Web Wizard 2000; Photo Shop 6.0. A steal trap mind, and one major load of patience. All hacked of course! Well Leech was free!

1. Click on Add Story in Admin section, and scroll down.
2. First block is TITLE (add in "My bald Mum")
3. Next block is TOPIC (pull down menu as 'Select Topic')
4. Click on pull down block 'down arrow'
5. You have Zilch, Zots just a window with 'Select Topic'
Conclusion: We didn't make it past two blocks, and we already have a problem. NO
TOPIC!!!!!!
7. Scroll back up and click on TOPIC!
8. First Block 'Topic Name' NO SPACES PLEASE!
9. Ok, let's add "Bald Mum's" (sure must be a few hidden under those hairdo's)
10 Second block "Topic Text" (The first block says, example: gamesand hobbies) (the second block says EXACTLY THE SAME THING! Thanks FB…that was informative!
11. Read more it also says, full topic text...Whoa that was close, almost had to think.
12 Lets put in "If you have a Bald Mum Story, then this is the place to put it." (WRONG: Only 40 characters, and NO SPACES)
13 Lets try "StoriesofBaldMums" (Gee I wonder how that will PRINT OUT, well we will just have to go on here, and spend a couple more hours to find out eh!!)
14.Last block 'Topic Images' (Your ONLY choice phpnuke.gif.... Hummmm that's going to look stupid. Yep...sure will! Gee, I wonder where that phpnuke.gif is located?

Now you're desperate, you need a different GIF. You hit the forums, you get told; “DO A SEARCH” by some soul with a bad attitude, because all you want is to find out where that image is so you can change it or add another one.

And you shouldn't have been that stupid to ask to begin with, don't you READ!!!

Ok, back and do a search……since your reply comment was right in line with his bad attitude.

OK we go to search! We are logical...(Spockitized) so we enter "Topic Images" We look at all the pull downs; All Topics, Articles. All Authors, All….then below that we have; Search on, Stories, Comments, Sections, Users.

Ah......lets try ALL OF THEM! Opps...that got us 'no matches' Ok, lets hit the pull-downs. Help Requests, NukeCops and we will leave in All Authors, and we’ll search back 3 months since we are NEWBIES!!

Our results: Zilch, Zots...'NO MATCHES' Ok dummy, now what? Well, lets try Nuke Cops; Nuke Cops; All Authors; 3 months.

Ah ha!! We’ll put in IMAGES by itself! WOW!!! Success…we have 615 Matches Ok fool, make a pot of coffee, grab your smokes…it’s going to be a LONG NIGHT!!!

Final result: 'NO MATCHES' And you still have that idiot bomb sitting there!

Well gang, all we wanted to so was write a great story about our Bald Mum, who had a great sense of humor about it. We wanted to share it on our nifty new phpNuke site, and make it look great. We now are sh*t on the Forums and can't get a reply to anything.

So we go back to our story bent out of shape, and do the best we can, so we can see what the end results will be, and THEN we'll delete it, as it was a Test Story. Want to bet?

We finish, struggling along, and post it up, then much to our final absolute, frustrated amazement, we find we CAN'T DELETE IT!!

In this process you discover you didn't use HTML, (na, no one mentioned that!) and it's like reading a page without paragraphs, spaces between words, or more like Chinese script. You now need to use phpMyAdmin, get to your Data Base, and delete the crap you put in there. Oh...you don't know how????

Well back to the Forums, and be told you don't belong on the Web, because you can't read instructions…YOU DON’T HAVE; and simple questions, get slammed, or told…you should KNOW all this stuff, with a next to it.

Well your trying to learn, but you have NO TOOLS to work with except trial and error, and at that same rate, it took thousands of years before man figured out how to make his own fire…without waiting for a lighting storm to set a tree on fire. Then after weeks, and months of frustration, you find a soul that helps, and you end up here! Now, just maybe that Bald Mum story……?

Ok, now get FTP up, get on the files, find the images folder, click on it, go down the list and click on topics folder and you will find phpnuke.gif. If you have some cute clip art in .gif format (preferable) then send them up to that folder, and when you chose Topics in Admin, you will have a choice of images. My, that tidbit of information, only took you 18 hours and three days on the forum. You’re improving!

We aren't done yet; we need to get rid of that Bald Mum story, so. ...Load up that phpMyAdmin that took you 3 forums to find, and a week to get installed, and you should have something like below in your browser address line. http://www.mywebsite.com/phpMyAdmin/index.php

Now if you managed that ok, we have your database files sitting in the window to the left. Scroll down to nuke_stories and click on it once or twice (depending if your setup as a web page or not) Now click in that little white box, then look up top and click on browse. Presto, you see My Bald Mum, and you can Edit it or Delete it.

Now go back and write a great story that you had in mind, that is... if you can remember it after all the fun, fun, fun you had, thanks to incompetents!

If you found the story a bit sad, or humorous, wait till I write, “Installation of phpNuke, using that idiot ‘readme.txt’ file.”

By the way, it’s a known, that ALL programmers, will end up in purgatory, having to write instructions and comment code to get out!





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